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Why Guys Hate Christmas




 
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K6JEK
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« on: December 09, 2011, 01:00:46 PM »

Why guys hate Christmas   

1. Shopping

"Hey. I've got a couple of hours. Want to go to the mall?" Ever hear a guy say that? Of course not. Guys hate shopping. There are only four stores that guys like, hardware, sporting goods, car & motorcycle parts and electronics. Well five, maybe: liquor stores. But at Christmas we get to go to the mall where two thirds of the stores are woman's apparel and the rest are home furnishings, jewelry, perfumes and things that we can't even figure out. We're there when the crowds are suffocating and you can't even find parking.

2. Christmas music

In the mall for sure but also on the radio, on TV even on street corners we're bombarded by Christmas music. Jingle Bell Rock really sets my nerves on edge although that Paul McCartney song, "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time", is a close second in obxiousness. There is no respite. The other day I went to put gas in the car. What was playing over the tiny speakers at the gas pump? Christmas music.

3. Getting it wrong

No matter how hard you try you're going to get it wrong. You can even bring in daughters and girl friends and you're still going to get it wrong. When your honey opens the present that you braved the crowds to acquire you're likely to get one of two expressions, maybe not words (although maybe words) but at least looks: 1) Oh honey, you're such a sweet dufus (to get me this entirely wrong thing) 2) Hurt look. How could you after all this time together get me this? You aren't paying any attention to me at all, are you?

"Don't worry, honey. I'll take it back"

4. The stuff you get

You wanted and maybe even mentioned, maybe even made a list: A nice 3/8" drive Snap-On socket set to replace that piece of crap you bought when you were just a kid; new tires for your mountain bike; a gift certificate at Orvis; some nice, old single malt Scotch.

What did you get? fuzzy slippers, a sweater, a festive tie. Festive tie? Talk about unclear on the concept. The only reason to wear a tie is to promote the illusion that you're a fine, responsible, upstanding guy to help you get a loan, get a raise, get a break on the traffic ticket. A Matisse print tie does not do that. Nevertheless, you're going to wear it at least once.

You're also going to wear at least once the fuzzy slippers and the pull over sweater. There are different rules for guys. She can take back what you bought her because aw shucks guys are just silly dufuses. But if you take back what she bought you it's a full-fledged insult. That's just the way it is.

5. The relatives.

Face it. Any relatives you actually like you manage to see throughout the year. But the holidays are family time which means you get to spend time with all the rest of them, the sister-in-law with her juvenile delinquent kids, the insufferable cousin (put a sock in it!), and your mother-in-law who never liked you and still doesn't. Be nice. Be polite.

6. Yule Logs

Christmas cards are one thing. They evoke minor guilt because you didn't send one to them. Now you'll send one back but it will arrive after Christmas. You aren't fooling anyone. But a lot of Christmas cards come with Yule Logs. The people who write Yule Logs live a life more charmed than yours:

"We so enjoyed seeing the Olympics as guests of the ambassador but we had to rush right back to hear junior give the commencement address at Harvard Law School. We're so proud of him, graduating first in his class. Sissy's not far behind though. She a junior this year at Julliard and had the thrill of a life giving her debut concert at Carnegie Hall with the Philharmonic. She played the famous Rachmaninoff #3. I guess all those years of piano lessons paid off. We're settling into our new life now that Hank is president of the new division. It means a lot more travel and a lot less time at the country club. Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from Paris. Don't be a stranger -- your pal Marianne."

7. Putting on weight

The only way I have a hope in hell of slowing the weight gain is to not buy the bad stuff, not bring it into the house. Whatever it is, cookies, cakes, pie, if it makes it to the house, I'm going to eat it. During the holidays, the bad stuff is all over the place, at work, at parties. Neighbors bring it over. We even make it. "Let's bake cookies like grandma used to! " There it is. I eat it. It's a diversion at least. But adding five or ten pounds is almost inevitable.

8. Paying for it

These days many families split the financial burdens but if you're in one of the old fashioned ones as I am where the guy is the bread winner you're stuck paying for all this stuff, not just the presents you bought that she didn't like, but also the presents for the kids which disappointed them, and the stuff she got you that you don't really want and can't take back. Your dreams of buying that new, giant TV with 3D are just that much further off.

9. Need one more here. There are so many contenders.

10. Pretending to like it.

Being a Scrooge is not cool, not cool at all. So enjoy the eggnog, the Christmas carols, the Nutcracker
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WA3VJB
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« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2011, 01:25:50 PM »

Wow.

I thought it was just me.

THANK YOU !
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Ed/KB1HYS
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« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2011, 01:33:06 PM »

For number 9 you can list Christmas LIGHTS!!!  Find the dang single bulb out of 100 in series that is keeping the whole string out...  
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73 de Ed/KB1HYS
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« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2011, 01:42:47 PM »

hammer hits nail on head. 
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« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2011, 01:46:52 PM »

BAH...........HUMBUG! ! ! ! ! !


POOEY ON ALL OF THAT!! I'd much prefer a good relaxed day of playing radio...............
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« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2011, 02:01:27 PM »

I swear you were channeling Andy Rooney!  Very funny!! Smiley
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« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2011, 02:29:36 PM »

For number 9 you can list Christmas LIGHTS!!!  Find the dang single bulb out of 100 in series that is keeping the whole string out...  

For number 10, add the blogs, chain e-mails, letters to the editor and newspaper opinion pages that proliferate this time of year, complaining about the "War on Christmas" waged by those subversive communist hippie infidels destroying America by wishing their fellow citizens "Happy Holiday" or "Season's Greetings" instead of "Happy Christmas".

I even heard a complaint a year or two ago about hams sending "XMAS" greetings on CW instead of spelling out the whole word in full.  Roll Eyes
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Don, K4KYV                                       AMI#5
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« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2011, 03:32:26 PM »

A good list, indeed.

Now to be contrary;

1) I LIKE the xtra  Tongue days off. More time to hunt, play radio and hide from the in(out)laws!
2) I LIKE sleeping-in once in a while during the time off!
3) I LIKE the xtra (hee hee) time in the woodshop to tinker.

In short, I LIKE stealing as much XTRA time for li'l ol' me as I can!
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W3GMS
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« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2011, 03:38:54 PM »

For number 9 you can list Christmas LIGHTS!!!  Find the dang single bulb out of 100 in series that is keeping the whole string out...  

For number 10, add the blogs, chain e-mails, letters to the editor and newspaper opinion pages that proliferate this time of year, complaining about the "War on Christmas" waged by those subversive communist hippie infidels destroying America by wishing their fellow citizens "Happy Holiday" or "Season's Greetings" instead of "Happy Christmas".

I even heard a complaint a year or two ago about hams sending "XMAS" greetings on CW instead of spelling out the whole word in full.  Roll Eyes


Don,
I think its "Merry Christmas" Wink 
Enjoy,
Joe, W3GMS 
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Todd, KA1KAQ
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« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2011, 04:07:48 PM »

I have it on good authority that Christmas is one of the most favored, if not the favorite holiday in the GMS household.  Wink
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« Reply #10 on: December 09, 2011, 04:22:09 PM »

For number 9 you can list Christmas LIGHTS!!!  Find the dang single bulb out of 100 in series that is keeping the whole string out...  

For number 10, add the blogs, chain e-mails, letters to the editor and newspaper opinion pages that proliferate this time of year, complaining about the "War on Christmas" waged by those subversive communist hippie infidels destroying America by wishing their fellow citizens "Happy Holiday" or "Season's Greetings" instead of "Happy Christmas".

I even heard a complaint a year or two ago about hams sending "XMAS" greetings on CW instead of spelling out the whole word in full.  Roll Eyes

Something new to add to your list Don, would be the "Holiday tree". Was reading an article in the paper a couple days ago on how some people don't want the Christmas trees the towns put up to be called Christmas trees anymore because it offends them. So now it's a Holiday tree. Jeez, thanks.  
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kd7qdu
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« Reply #11 on: December 09, 2011, 04:35:38 PM »

Holiday Tree is one of the things that realy ticks me off, they don't have oaks for the druids, they dont have aluminim polls for festivus, they have evergreens for Christmas..... at least have the guts to stand up and say what your selling.  If your going to make a buck off a Christian Holiday then make a buck but at least call it what it is.

Oh and Happy Christmas is the way they say it in England,

For Everyone Happy Christmas and a merry new year.
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k4kyv
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« Reply #12 on: December 09, 2011, 05:07:21 PM »

Yes, we have nutcases on both sides.  Those who insist that it be called it a "holiday tree" and  those who P&M about someone passing along Seasons Greetings. As mentioned before, we have witnessed the Death of Common Sense.
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Don, K4KYV                                       AMI#5
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Blaine N1GTU
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« Reply #13 on: December 09, 2011, 05:22:10 PM »

although I can relate to these issues from my past, being single has removed a lot of this xmas drama.. and i'm keeping it that way  Grin
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« Reply #14 on: December 09, 2011, 06:32:07 PM »

All of you have been a great dissapointment.



klc


* Festivus pole.jpg (1184.7 KB, 2304x3072 - viewed 323 times.)
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« Reply #15 on: December 09, 2011, 07:25:18 PM »

Ah yes, the yule log Christmas (er, "Holiday" cards  Tongue )

There is a local talk show host in Boston named Howie Carr (who is really very good, by the way!).

Every year, he holds the "yuppie card contest", where callers will call in and read the best yuppie card they've received that year.  Some of them are really, really unbelievable.  The winner gets a really nice prize of some sort - usually dinner at a good place.

We got one a number of years ago, boasting about the couple's world travels, including seeing the Dali Lama, the wife getting a degree in "Environmental Awareness" (I didn't know there was such a thing!), becoming a "selectPERSON" (with a matching bumper sticker attesting to same!) and of course the kids (named Emerson and Ingrid) had their big part as well !  Unfortunately, I did not get to call that one into Howie Carr, else I surely would have won the contest that year!

As far as the music - I like REAL Christmas music (although you rarely hear it out and about).  I love singing the old carols in church, and "The Night the Animals Talked" is still one of my favorites.

The family get-togethers can be tense.  Something will generally happen to set Sherrie off - usually her sister (or me  Roll Eyes ).  But, I don't care about any of that, or whether I get any presents, as long as the (now adult) children are there, and we remember what the day is really all about.

The way I figure it, I might have 20 Christmases left - maybe less (probably less, actually)... better make the most of it.

So, Merry Christmas to all the Scrooges out there  Wink and to everyone else as well !
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« Reply #16 on: December 09, 2011, 08:32:09 PM »

I agree Steve, MERRY CHRISTMAS!
(and Happy Birthday)
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W1ATR
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« Reply #17 on: December 09, 2011, 09:54:56 PM »

All of you have been a great dissapointment.



klc


Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
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« Reply #18 on: December 09, 2011, 11:59:53 PM »

This can all be simplified into procedures that guys can deal with.

1. Shopping
A.) Institute the family (and extended, if necessary) practice of "picking names". That means you get one name, (plus you only have to get something for the parents and spouse).
B.) As for the gifts, the procedure is to talk to a related family member and find out what that person wants. Ask your or their spouse what to get them. Then, at least they will be as unhappy as you are.
C.) Institute a rule: "nothing over $20".
D.) Shopping online, if done early enough, means no going to the mall. Also, your spouse will think you are "thoughtful" for considering relative X or Y months ahead of time.
E.) xanax


2. Christmas music
A.) Pick other stations. Sports or News. Turn it off and if questioned, say the radio smelled like it was burning.
B.) Gas Stations obnoxious speakers: Just fill the tank enough to get out of there. They are too well armored to easily destroy. Claim the gas pump hose is leaking.
C.)  xanax

3. Getting it wrong
A.) Don't worry about this. Keep the receipt. It always happens and it won't be your fault because you, being thoughtful, asked relative X or Y what the recipient would like. It then becomes their own relative's fault for being insensitive and uncaring.


4. The stuff you get
A.) Always smile and agree to try it on, but really try not to do it - or try to do it quickly when no pictures are being taken.
B.) If questioned later why it is not being used, claim that it doesn't fit, you are allergic to one of the materials (which are printed on the tag), or you can't wear it because of (old wound, bunions, skin issues, work dress code, religious beliefs, personal code of behavior/honor, etc)


5. The relatives.
A.) xanax.


6. Yule Logs
A.) Ignore it.
B.) This is the 21st century and there are inkjet printers. Prepare an activity  report in the form of a "form letter" you can print as many times as necessary. You have done this for work, so it will be easy. Make it so when folded, the text is on the inside, and on the outside is a picture of the family and pets. A cute cat or dog  picture excuses almost anything. Yes this means printing both sides of the paper and using color ink. If that is too hard, just put the picture at the top and the text below and fold it.
C.) Pay a service to hand write the prepared Yule Blog and send them out.


7. Putting on weight
A.) Don't worry about it.
B.) Claim allergies or not far from the truth perhaps diabetes.
C.) If you can't resist the rich foods, fill up beforehand on healthy food so you eat less at table.


8. Paying for it
A.) See section 1C.
B.) "Santa" brings the giant 3D TV as a (single) gift for the "whole family"


9a. Having to go to parties
A.) after suffering an hour or so, being polite, and eating a few things, claim to the spouse be ill and then spend 10 minutes in the bathroom. Since no guy takes that long, it will be believed that you got food poisoning and you both will go home where you will be treated with sympathy. The spouse will not reveal the supposed reason, or complain to the host to avoid embarrassment.


9b. Christmas Lights
A.) when spouse is out, pay someone to do it.
B.) have a back injury while doing some chore you were specifically asked to do.
C.) express personal disappointment.


10a. annoying 'chain' e-messages
A.) Ignore them /delete
B.) Reply to each such message, using "reply all", and attach a 9MB file such as a PDF'd book about "cat breeding in the 17th century" or perhaps the "history of the Dewey Decimal System", and describe why it is relevant to the topic at hand. You name will soon be off the distribution lists of your family's annoying friends. Such books are on Google.


10b. Pretending to like it.
A.) xanax.
B.) "Truthfully like it" as penance for considering the solutions above.
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« Reply #19 on: December 10, 2011, 12:13:22 AM »

I am reminded of an old dear abby,  the writer wrote in and told of his family. they only cared how much he spent and how fast they could return it.  So one year he took his whole budget, and bought cheap wine with it. He then went down and handed out the Bottles on Skid Row.  He said it was the greatest Christmas he had ever had, each of those men thanked him sincerely and wished him a merry Christmas.

I think some of you need to find your own skid row. 

Eric
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« Reply #20 on: December 10, 2011, 12:19:57 AM »

Disfunctionality abounds....

73DG
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« Reply #21 on: December 10, 2011, 01:34:49 AM »

All of you have been a great dissapointment.



klc


Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.

FESTIVUS!! For the REST OF US!!! Smiley
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« Reply #22 on: December 10, 2011, 07:01:02 AM »

Contesters hate Christmas
No contests
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« Reply #23 on: December 10, 2011, 07:18:58 AM »

I've come to hate the Christmas season (what we see around us, not what  it's supposed to be) because it's come to have so little to do with Christmas. Unlike some, I DO like the family gatherings, and if it weren't for that and Christmas services I'd rather the whole thing just go away.  It's become a  relentless, two month assault on the senses.
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« Reply #24 on: December 10, 2011, 08:58:05 AM »

Disfunctionality abounds....

73DG

I see humor.
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