New Bride 101

[Todd, KA1KAQ]

For anyone else considering the prospect, I thought I'd share my latest bit of education in the world of the newly-married:

We do get into habits, being single and doing as we please for long periods of time. In a recent QSO between W8BAC, WA3VJB and myself, the topic of modulation monitors came up. Seems Mike decided to part with his GenRad 1931A model with metallic gray paint matching the 300G broadcast transmitter. Paul was interested, but had to figure out what to do with his current 1931A in Raytheon brown.

Having recently sold a Raytheon RA-1000 and knowing the new owner to be a good guy who'd appreciate it, I offered to take it off Paul's hands for Jon, assuming he'd want it of course.

That was my first mistake, but I didn't realize it at the time. I thought my first mistake was sharing this information with my new wife, Jennifer. She seemed a little put off by it, which surprised me. $150 isn't a lot of money, and I assured her that I'd sell it if Jon wasn't interested. This was actually my second mistake.

As silly as it sounds, it's very clear to me now. It wasn't the cost, or the association with 'radio', or even the fact that I was offering myself as a lending source for someone else, until they could pay me back: it was telling her as an afterthought.

So as logical as men tend to be and as emotional as we blame women for being, it's really just a case of common courtesy. We're a 'team' now, and as such, she expects to be kept in the financial loop as a rule, not as an afterthought. She assured me again that she's fine with my interest in radios, my radio friends, helping others, and so on. She just felt like I took her for granted, which I clearly did. That and not getting the house sold by winter.

She also said it's not a big deal, and perhaps at times like that when things have already proceeded to a point of inevitability, it's best not to even tell her.

That was her first mistake.....

[KB2WIG]

   

                  "That and not getting the house sold by winter. "   ----  This is what some call "the operative term."  The essential object.

                  " it's best not to even tell her. "    ---  Yes, true widom does come with time.

                   " It is better to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission."

As I type, the wife's at work, I'm at home and there is a Stancore 55C028 in the oven gently baking awaay.             klc

[Herb K2VH]

Todd,

Welcome to the world of married life.  It might also be called The Department of Continuing Education .

K2 Very Happily (Married)

[The Slab Bacon]

Todd,
          thats why I refer to the yl (going on 20 years) as "the war dept"
 Mine used to be pretty much the same way. She has finally gotten used to the way that I am, and knows that she must deal with it. Sometimes you have to envoke "Murphy's golden rule": "he who has the gold makes the rules". It never goes over very well, but sh*t happens.

Kevin and Todd,
                       It is ALWAYS easier to SEEK forgiveness than to obtain permission. but sometimes "you just gotta do what you gotta do!!"

                                                                   The Slab Bacon 

[k4kyv]

My wife and I each maintain a separate personal savings account, and a joint checking account.  As long as we each contribute appropriately to the joint account, which is used to cover household expenses, no further questions are asked.  If I take money out of the joint account for something personal that isn't for the "common good," I immediately transfer that sum back into the account from my savings, and she does the same.  We have operated thusly for over a quarter-century with no money fights.

A few times she has been annoyed at some aspect of radio.  I just remind her that she had full knowledge of "the radio" long before she married me, and that radio came as part of the package.

It helped the domestic situation when I cleared most of the  radio stuff out of the loft of the house, and cleared out the overflowing upstairs bedroom that was serving as a radio room, and moved it all to the new detached outdoor "ham shack".  She had been especially pissed when the stuff that was stored over the dining room accumulated so much weight that the ceiling nearly collapsed, and she had to help me install new dry wall on the ceiling after I replaced the broken ceiling joists.

[W1RKW]

Liz and I don't have any money issues I'm glad to say.

She and I do something similar Don, with one exception we have a joint savings account as well.  We stash a set amount of money to go into it each pay period.  We only had to dip into it once in the 5 years we've been married but replenished the withdrawal immediately so it's like we never touched it in the first place. 

I lucked out that all my radio junk collecting occurred prior to us getting married. At the time I didn't have any plans on getting married but it just happened. Today I still buy stuff.  Liz doesn't have any problem with me coming home with something since it comes out of my own budget.  She's encourages me with my hobbies. So I'm lucky in that respect

[Mike/W8BAC]

Sounds like I made the "No Christmas Card" list. Man, sorry for the jolt. I hate the thought of being mixed up in any marital problems regarding economics or ethics. I'm going to hide for awhile. Let me know when visiting Florida is safe again. 

[WA1GFZ]

my XYL usually gets old intel, it is much safer this way.
I told her yesterday of my latest ebay deal for a partial cubic R3040 RX so she could be on the lookout forthe mail. I need the modules to populate a spanking new R2307 chassis (mil R3030).
 

[K1MVP]

Hi Todd,
Take it from someone who has been married 35 yrs plus,--I find it`s better to
be "up front" right from the start,--if I am going to buy a "new" boatanchor.

My XYL is "sharp",--and if I were to buy something "secretly",--it just would
not work.

If there is something I really want,---I will try to give her advance notice
as to how this "new" piece of equipment will/would be a smart buy.
It takes a bit of patience at times but well worth the effort in the long run.

                                   73, Rene, K1MVP

P.S.,--when we first met,--she thought ham radio was "great",--but what
         she did not realize until later,--was that HR was a "way of life"

 

[WA1GFZ]

My XYL doesn't mind because she prefers I play in the basement and likes my ham friends.
As long as there is food on the table and bills are paid she doesn't really care.
She really likes to see things going out though....I sell an RX now and then and make a couple bucks and usually a new friend so it has worked well. The Racal investment, well some day I will break even but sure has turned into some nice hardware.

[Steve - WB3HUZ]

Reminds me of a buddy of mine who is into guitars like we're into radios. He buys many guitars for his wife.

[WA3VJB]

Maybe it would help if you promised that your "new" house in Florida will be something like this ?

[W3SLK]

When my wife gets  on my case about me and my radio habits, (which is usually once a year), I gently remind her that I will sell all of it and start spending my time and money down at the local sewer pit where she can only think of what I'm doing. Instead of staying at home in the basement with the nice friendly radios. It always gets my point across.

[The Slab Bacon]

When my wife gets  on my case about me and my radio habits, (which is usually once a year), I gently remind her that I will sell all of it and start spending my time and money down at the local sewer pit where she can only think of what I'm doing. Instead of staying at home in the basement with the nice friendly radios. It always gets my point across.

Mikey,
        I use this one all the time!! It usually works great, especially when I tell her to make the choice which SHE would prefer. After all of the years of trying to stop it, she has agreed that it is kinda cool. She actually spends a lot of time at the operating position with me now and is now seriously planning to get her own ticket! Go figger!!
The scarey thing is that she has a pretty good feel for what all of my "junque" is worth.
She's prolly gonna kill me in my sleep and abscond with all of my equipment!!

                                                                        The Slab Bacon

[steve_qix]

Hmmmmm Interesting question !  My wife and I both work - and, in this case, she makes more than do I, at least at this time.

However, we have found it's trouble to "comingle" our money too much.  We both contribute to the household, and many other things, and we do have a joint account.  But, mostly we keep seperate accounts because we just manage money in completely different ways.  I'm highly disorganized about money, Sherrie is very organized.  She tends to physically handle the bill payments and I do the long term planning, investing, etc. etc.

As far a purchasing radio stuff - hard to say.  I could probably bring in a broadcast transmitter and Sherrie wouldn't notice it unless it were somewhere in her way or otherwise detracted from the decor of the abode :-)   She has never asked me how much something radio-wise cost.  Besides, the biggest single clothing bill I *EVER* saw was a bill Sherrie got from Talbots [Talbots is a staple item around here!] for almost $900.00 !!!!  I saw it sitting out somewhere, and she said "Oh, you wern't supposed to see that" (blush blush).  I didn't say anything bad about it (of course I HAD to tease her, at least a little) - hey, Sherrie's a pretty sensible woman and works very hard.  If she likes Talbots, go for it !  She feels the same way about radio stuff.

We both used to be much more concerned about this sort of thing when we were much younger.  Now that we're in our 50s, we're a lot more mellow 

Steve (Happily Married) QIX

[WD8BIL]

Ur right Steve..... interesting question..... with as many answers as there are couples.

When we retired from foster care and Willow wanted to work we agreed the main finance of the household would be my charge. She has always been the keeper of the budget and knows our ledger front and back. She augments the household expenses with her income when necessary. The trick here is to budget the household on my one income. This means a lot of "we can do without" judgements but after 27 years we're 99% on the same page.

My hobby income comes from wheeling and dealing, a repair here and there and what I make doing wood projects. Last year the woodworking brought in @$4K with 2 full kitchens built.

Her income goes toward the extras in life. Vacation last year was her treat. Virginia Beach !!!

[WA1GFZ]

A twist that has worked very well for me. We needed a stove and fridge at the beach place so I sold 2 RA6830s I only made a couple hunderd bucks on the deal but money coming in to buy stuff like that works very well. An R3030 paid for most of the overhead insulation again I made a $100 on the deal but a good check coming in the mail made me look like a hero. Then I invested in 3 more partial RA6830s receivers to build in the future.
We have 2 accounts, living for XYL for food bills and My account for keeping cars on the road, dream place and slush radio fund.

you just can't bink a radio.......

[k4kyv]

One year I told her I was going to buy a new modulation transformer to go into my transmitter, for her birthday.

[The Slab Bacon]

One year I told her I was going to buy a new modulation transformer to go into my transmitter, for her birthday.

I bet that went over like the proverbial "fart in church"!!

[The Slab Bacon]

you just can't bink a radio.......

Yes............ this is so true!!

kinda reminds yo of the "apron dance" at an old fashioned Polish wedding. Everyone throws a dollar into the apron for a dance with the bride. The groom, that poor s.o.b. has to throw his whole wallet in the apron before he carries her away. That is so much like the reality that it is uncanny!!

                                                                              The Slab Bacon

[The Slab Bacon]

you just can't bink a radio.......

Yes............ this is so true!!

kinda reminds yo of the "apron dance" at an old fashioned Polish wedding. Everyone throws a dollar into the apron for a dance with the bride. The groom, that poor s.o.b. has to throw his whole wallet in the apron before he carries her away. That is so much like the reality that it is uncanny!!

                                                                              The Slab Bacon

[Todd, KA1KAQ]

Interesting stories, guys. Somehow I must've made this seem like a question, when it was really only meant to relay my experiences for future folks who take the plunge, how breaking old thought patterns takes some effort and all that. I do appreciate the tips and experience of the group, though. Always handy to have experience talking.

Sometimes you have to envoke "Murphy's golden rule": "he who has the gold makes the rules". It never goes over very well, but sh*t happens.                                                               

Yes, well...since she already makes half again what I do and will likely be making 2-3 times as much in the next few years, this approach is a nogo. It worked well when I was single, though! 

Maybe it would help if you promised that your "new" house in Florida will be something like this ?

Ohyes! Something tells me that house is not in Florida, however. It's too green. Not a lot of big, old houses down there like we have up here. But I like the way you think.

A twist that has worked very well for me. We needed a stove and fridge at the beach place so I sold 2 RA6830s I only made a couple hunderd bucks on the deal but money coming in to buy stuff like that works very well.

You're right, Frank - in fact, the sale of the RA-1000 and 55' crank up tower ended up financing the rehearsal dinner. She's all but forbidden me selling any more of the big transmitters, although I think the Beastly 610 needs a new home. I'm getting her used to the idea. She appreciates what it takes to find, rebuild, and operate this stuff. But it's always good to reinforce the 'self-policing' approach by culling the herd at times. Getting her on the air also helps make more of a connection.

As HUZman has pointed out previously, I'm a verrry lucky guy. And I know it. Someday I'll get the wedding pics posted so you can all see that I'm not making this up.

[wa1knx]

when i was married we had a common pot to tose the money in. big mistake,
she squabbled even though she made twice what i did at the time. had a few
live in my house. kept the money separate an almost no problems. now with
lucy, she cares for her house in vt, and i care for mine here in az.
works aok, food costs another issue sigh, i can eat for much cheaper then
the she does it. but we split the bills. good luck todd, get it fixed early!

[NE4AM]

Money has always been an interesting topic in our household.

Like when I used my stepson's college fund to buy my tractor....well, he had dropped out of high school, and wasn't going to be using it anyway....!

I have always tried to make my radio hobby self-sufficient.  I get a lot of heat for the piles of junk in the basement (which take up less volume than her Longaberger basket collection, I might add) but I point out to my wife that I will not buy something at a hamfest unless I know I can turn it around and get double my money for it.  When there is a rig I decide I'd like to get, I sell a truckload at a hamfest so I can afford it (and usually bring home another truckload).  Last summer, when it became apparent I needed to replace my pick-up truck, I decided to clean out my basement of surplus stuff to raise the funds for it.  I have been selling off that stuff on ebay for the past 7 months, and almost had enough saved up for a decent truck.

when I lost my job at Thanksgiving, this fund paid our mortgage and medical bills instead.

My much criticized radio hobby saved our butts.  Not exactly like ARES, but it did the job.

Let's see a Longaberger basket do that.

[Vortex Joe - N3IBX]

Todd,
        It was a wise man who said: "Tis better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission". I go through this with my xyl ALL THE TIME. She gets real peaved, but eventually gets over it. Hopefully, your wife will do the same.

Remember: Transmitters are like jello - There's always room for more! Stay FIRMLY in the acquisition mode!

Very Best Regards,
                         Joe Cro N3IBX